September 11, 2007

Quality of Whose Life, Again?

[This recent and thought-provoking post by Rana on lifestyle assumptions from mainstream privileged environmentalists got me to thinking of something I wrote at Pandagon in May, which I suddenly realized never got cross-posted over here. So go read Rana’s post, which is unsurprisingly excellent as are her expanding thoughts in comments, and then come back and read this, which has been edited slightly from its Pandagon form.]

I was chatting with a friend recently about his father, who has become, in his advancing years, more of a management problem than my friend’s mother can handle. The family made the difficult decision to place Dad in a nursing home. Not entirely coincidentally, that same day we had both read this piece by Mary Kay McKown, entitled “The Elusive ‘Good Death’ for Frail Elders”:

For many Americans, the notion of “a good death” evokes a vision of dying peacefully at home, in the presence of loved ones. Although the Medicare hospice benefit was created in 1985 to facilitate this possibility for adults over the age of 65, very few people over the age of 80 die at home.

As a… nurse practitioner, I have worked closely with elders and their families, community case managers, home health and hospice interdisciplinary teams, geriatricians, and hospital-based providers to facilitate “good deaths” for frail elders in their homes, hospitals, and intermediate care facilities… I am concerned that the specialty of hospital-based palliative care may be contributing to the “medicalization” of death. By this I mean that death in old age is increasingly viewed (by patients and providers) primarily as a highly compromised physiological state that needs complex medical management, rather than as an important family event that can be anticipated and skillfully supported outside of the hospital.

It’s a good and heartfelt article, and I agree with most of it: A hospital is the last place I’d want to die. But there was something familiar about the issue, something that reminded me of a number of other quality-of-life issues that have been getting more notice in the public mind of late. Quality of life is an admirable, if vague, goal, but the question comes up: of whose life are we contemplating the relative quality?

Yes, death has been increasingly medicalized, but McKown isn’t exactly advocating de-medicalizing the process, just changing the venue. The problem isn’t that death has been medicalized — no one seriously advocates getting rid of doctors and nurses for aid during the process — but that it has been corporatized, like so many other facets of life. We get sick enough to die, and then the course of what’s left of our lives is lived out in impersonal surroundings, our needs attended to by strangers — skilled strangers, true, but dispassionate nonetheless, our decisions circumscribed by HMO policy and procedures driven by monetary concerns of either the cost-cutting or ass-covering varieties.

But when parts of our lives get corporatized, it’s generally the case that the associated relationships get monetized. In English: suddenly we find ourselves paying someone for labor we once got for free.

Or, as Ron Sullivan put it a couple years back, reminiscing about the good ol’ days:

Remember how it felt when you realized those nice gentle brothers still thought you were a household appliance? The only household appliance they weren’t ready to give up when they went all wholegrain and groovily off-the-grid?

Well I do.

Like so many other arenas in which quality of life is seen to be dwindling in these here Modrun Times, the “good death,” in being cast as The Way Things Used To Be (though not by McKown, explicitly) is based on the assumption of unpaid female labor. Of course, there’s nothing intrinsic in dying at home that requires the presence of estrogen: men can turn over bedridden elders and clean out bed pans and advocate for the patient just as well as women can. But get real. What we’re talking about here is women — wives, sisters, daughters, mothers — taking care of the dying person for free, though perhaps with some paid expert help if they’re lucky, a nurse practitioner or attendant paid to come by for a couple hours a day.

This assumption runs deep in the quality of life movement. Ivan Illich — who not coincidentally was one of the first popular critics of overmedicalization — explicitly distinguished in his 1983 book Gender (Open Forum) between modern discrimination on the basis of gender, which he properly condemned as sexist, and forced gender role differences in traditional societies, which he called something like “gender differences” and defended as crucial to a sustainable, stable society. Illich’s conception of a sustainable stable society has influenced generations of cultural critics, for better or worse. His writings echo in the pronouncements of people from Amitai Etzioni to Wendell Berry, whose reluctance to get a word processor some years back provides my favorite example of this phenomenon:

My wife types my work on a Royal standard typewriter bought new in 1956 and as good now as it was then. As she types, she sees things that are wrong and marks them with small checks in the margins. She is my best critic because she is the one most familiar with my habitual errors and weaknesses. She also understands, sometimes better than I do, what ought to be said. We have, I think, a literary cottage industry that works well and pleasantly. I do not see anything wrong with it.

A number of people, by now, have told me that I could greatly improve things by buying a computer. My answer is that I am not going to do it. I have several reasons, and they are good ones.

The first is the one I mentioned at the beginning. I would hate to think that my work as a writer could not be done without a direct dependence on strip-mined coal. How could I write conscientiously against the rape of nature if I were, in the act of writing, implicated in the rape? For the same reason, it matters to me that my writing is done in the daytime, without electric light.

I do not admire the computer manufacturers a great deal more than I admire the energy industries. I have seen their advertisements. attempting to seduce struggling or failing farmers into the belief that they can solve their problems by buying yet another piece of expensive equipment. I am familiar with their propaganda campaigns that have put computers into public schools in need of books. That computers are expected to become as common as TV sets in “the future” does not impress me or matter to me. I do not own a TV set. I do not see that computers are bringing us one step nearer to anything that does matter to me: peace, economic justice, ecological health, political honesty, family and community stability, good work.

What would a computer cost me? More money, for one thing, than I can afford, and more than I wish to pay to people whom I do not admire. But the cost would not be just monetary. It is well understood that technological innovation always requires the discarding of the “old model”—the “old model” in this case being not just our old Royal standard. but my wife, my critic, closest reader, my fellow worker. Thus (and I think this is typical of present-day technological innovation). what would be superseded would be not only something, but somebody. In order to be technologically up-to-date as a writer, I would have to sacrifice an association that I am dependent upon and that I treasure.

Commenters may submit analyses of Berry’s insistence on exploiting female labor as a way to avoid taking part in metaphorical “rape” in fulfillment of the requirements for issuance of a Bachelor of Snark Degree from UCRN.

In a paper published a couple weeks ago, Dr. Sherilyn McGregor of Keele University in Staffordshire points out that when environmentally sound living requres extra work, that work is usually “women’s work.” Her paper is a useful and readable summation, and if it weren’t encrypted read-only I’d paste some of it here. Still, this is not news to environmentalist women. What decisions are environmentalist citizens asked to make? Choosing the green laundry detergent and toilet paper and buying organic groceries. Carrying cloth bags to the supermarket. Using non-toxic cleansers. Adding corporate citizenship to one’s list of brand loyalty factors and schlepping the Seafood Buying Guide around. Sorting trash into the proper containers for recyclables, compost, and landfilling.

Of course, we men carry all those containers to the curb, which perfectly balances the division of labor. But then you add Environmentalism 2.0 to the mix, and you have the Slow Food (read: hours spent in the kitchen) and Local Food (read: hours spent shopping) movements, and with that kind of scheduling pressure a woman likely wouldn’t even have enough time left in the day to type up her husband’s poetry.

The fact is that for all the ills the increasing corporatization of society has brought us, it has assigned value to certain forms of labor that were once devalued. It certainly hasn’t always assigned enough monetary value to those tasks, but even a paltry amount is more than nothing at all. Opposing that corporatization doesn’t have to include rolling back that valuation, trying to build an Illichian paradise where people quietly fulfill their forced gender role differences.

I’m a huge supporter of the various movements for restoring the quality of our lives, but until they rid themselves of this blind spot they will go nowhere worth going. Sadly, that patriarchal romanticism is seductive. Look at this Wikipedia description of the “Slow” movement’s goals:

Even in the recent past in the West it was standard to have a day of relaxation because all shops were closed on Sundays. However, the current tendency in many parts of the world to operate at 24 hours a day has disrupted this tradition. Now, because people can do everything all the time, some feel they have to do things all the time. The Slow movement counteracts this by extolling the virtues of the enjoyment and savouring of living.

I don’t know what it was like for your family, but I seem to recall my grandmothers working just as hard on Sundays as they did on Mondays. Though maybe they were just enjoying the process of vacuuming before people came over to relax and savouring the sinks full of dishes the relaxing generated. Ah, the good old days.

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Good points from everyone—thanks for pointing out my errors.

Ron, of course you have the right to hold opinions; my response was poorly-worded. I apologize for that. I was thinking, I guess, of what it might feel like for someone to be considering a “peaceful” or tranquil death, and wondering how that person might react to phrases describing “the hubris, or maybe just starry-eyed optimism” involved in such considerations.

Naturally life has a way of removing one’s autonomy; I know that as well as anyone, I think. Nonetheless, it troubled me (and still does) to think that a difficult-enough thing to face might be made more so by demands of others that one remain absolutely Politically Correct, even when one is considering how to die. To me the suggestion seems to be that one is free to do so, provided one plans to do it in such a way as to cause the least offense and inconvenience to others.

In other words, a dying person has already lost autonomy, quite possibly for the first time; or at least that person has been made brutally, inescapably aware of the ultimately arbitrary nature of life and of death. Seeming to insist that he or she be considerate in his or her death strikes me as being unduly harsh, adding injury to the final personal insult of one’s own mortality; it seems almost like a suggestion that it’s rude to want to die in a way that makes the event a little easier to face. Does that really seem so outlandish of me?

Theriomorph, I wasn’t trying to be dismissive, though possibly I came off that way—again, thanks for calling me out on it.

But I work with (among other people) hospice staff, and they’re all quite dedicated and, I suspect, far stronger than I am in at least one way; and never have I heard any of them suggest that end-of-life issues are or should be rendered in feminist (or other social-political) terms.

Their concern is not for how a patient’s death affects them (the staff); it’s for how that person can be given, as much as possible, a comfortable and dignified end. This strikes me as being selflessly compassionate. There’s a reason I’m not a hospice volunteer: I simply don’t think I have the strength to do it.

Fair callout on the emotionally-charged terms. I wasn’t trying to offend, but you know, I have strong opinions on this issue as well, and what I’m putting forth is my own message of hey, ouch.

kathy, yes, physician-assisted suicide is illegal pretty much everywhere in the US. However, it should not be, and if we’re going to seriously make a difference in how end-of-life care is handled in the States, and particularly if we’re going to address gender inequities in the bargain, that’s probably one law we need to vigorously agitate to change.

I’m aware that there’s no attempt here to deny my (or anyone’s) choices, but it seems to me that there’s more than a suggestion here that at least one subset of end-of-life decisionmaking is being labeled as selfish or inappropriate, and I’m trying (and apparently failing!) to object to that suggestion without becoming objectionable myself.

Given the illegality of physician-assisted death, and given the objections to other forms of suicide, when faced with the real fact of death, what other choices are currently available to terminal patients? The calculus of inequality definitely places an unfair burden on caregivers, many—most—of whom surely are silently-suffering women; but what other options are available?

Faced with the choice of death in a hospital bed, death in a hospice or death at home, all of which will involve lingering, suffering and financial drain, what is the best decision to make? One look at the ghastly case of Terri Schiavo is sufficient to chill almost anyone’s blood; and I’m quite sure her situation was not unique, but merely a too-public showing of the kinds of private anguish faced daily by thousands of families.

It seems to me that’s the issue to take on, not the choices made by people stuck with limited and inescapably-painful alternatives, choices which all in one way or another amount to a form of emotional damnation for both the dying and the family of the dying.

More generally: Sorry if I drifted over the line. That wasn’t my intention. Obviously this is a charged issue for more than a few people, and just as it’s possible I’m being myopic in objecting to the apparent feminist framing, it might be possible that others are being unfair in framing the issue almost strictly in terms of feminism.*

(Which, BTW, feels like an epithet almost, something a sneering right-winger might say: “Oh, pfft, there go the feminists again.” perhaps “empowerment” or “women’s empowerment” is a better term?)

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* Or maybe that’s not the framing intent at all, but it sure seems like it to me.

* Or maybe that’s not the framing intent at all, but it sure seems like it to me.

Oh, that’s explicitly the intent, Warren, though I would have gone with “lens” rather than “frame.” But I don’t think that looking at the issue through a feminist lens precludes other ways of looking at the issue. There are huge class issues to be dealt with here, for instance, some of which I cover in the discussion of monetization of caregiving roles.

I think — in line with our new abundance versus scarcity motif here at CRN — that having a collection of different lenses, or frames, or lenses and frames… eyeglasses! That’s it! I think having more than one pair of specs is a good thing.

Appreciate the thoughtful response, Warren.

For me, the feminist contextualizing you mention comes straight from the original post, as much as from my commitment to social justice.

Like so many other arenas in which quality of life is seen to be dwindling in these here Modrun Times, the “good death,” in being cast as The Way Things Used To Be (though not by McKown, explicitly) is based on the assumption of unpaid female labor.

There’s a lot in there about life, living, and invisible women’s labor, too - Wendell Berry, the ‘Slow’ movement:

...Berry’s insistence on exploiting female labor as a way to avoid taking part in metaphorical “rape” ...

...In a paper published a couple weeks ago, Dr. Sherilyn McGregor of Keele University in Staffordshire points out that when environmentally sound living requires extra work, that work is usually “women’s work.”

And near the summation:

I’m a huge supporter of the various movements for restoring the quality of our lives, but until they rid themselves of this blind spot they will go nowhere worth going.

So while the discussion here in comments has been focused more on the realities of end of life stuff for the dying and the doctors, the larger point about the exploitation without pay of women’s labor is the one I responded to, and still do.

All hail hospice workers, and doctors concerned with good deaths for their patients, and people’s right to die with dignity.

That’s not really what the post was about though.

Through these specs, anyway.

So to borrow from Chris’s metaphor, maybe I’m using a monocle. Fair enough. Possibly I am. To be frank I’d not thought about the considerations of caregivers in end-of-life issues before, and it is a good point, and one worth thinking about.

this discussion has crossed a whole lot of issues.  i like the idea of different specs, chris.

the terri schiavo situation was pretty unique.  most families get to make these kinds of ghastly decisions without having a religious vigil outside the rest home, and years of litigation all over the news.  thankfully.  that was a horrifying invasion of family privacy and personal dignity. 

at a different level, it is a stark illustration of how we don’t always have the chance to choose how or when we go. 

caretaking is the reality for most families, one time or another.  that is a feminist issue for at least two reasons:  [1] most of the family (free) caretaking of ill or elder members is done by women, and [2] feminism is all about recognizing everyone as full humans, and their work as worthy.

one of my friends who benefitted from a feminist perspective on caretaking was a male secretary at my progressive office.  his wife had a virulent cancer, and as it progressed, he took leave to care for her.  the office had a catastrophic care policy, and co-workers donated vacation and personal days so he could care for his wife at home, and still have income once his sick and vacation pay ran out.  it was the women in the office who visited, called, brought food and hugs.

and that is how it goes.  when my adopted nephew [son of a close friend, who called me auntie] had brain cancer, whole circles of familes supported them.  dads were definitely involved, but the bulk of the visits, bringing food, sending cards and comfort, being there when nephew was in the hospital or a coma—that was done by women and girls, mostly.  my nephew was 12 when he died.  the girls spearheaded a campaign to make 1000 origami cranes, for good wishes; two of them delivered the gift on his last good day, to his delight. 

i think, as warren suggested, later-stage comfort care was not something that most of the men and boys felt they could do well.  probably not a news flash, but the women and girls who showed up did not feel entirely comfortable, either—just that this was a situation requring comfort and presence.  how to bridge that gap, i don’t know.

kathy:

i think, as warren suggested, later-stage comfort care was not something that most of the men and boys felt they could do well.  probably not a news flash, but the women and girls who showed up did not feel entirely comfortable, either—just that this was a situation requring comfort and presence.  how to bridge that gap, i don’t know.

It’s a definite problem. I’m baffled too. Men in general, at least in the US, find it very hard to express emotions beyond anger (which, by the way, is a cover emotion in men that usually masks something like fear, uncertainty or girly sorrow); even ironic tunes such as The Cure’s Boys Don’t Cry or Green Day’s definitively-Emo I Walk Alone are wailing laments that express, but fail to touch on the deeper issues.

And I am proximally certain that the problem is a social one; that is, it’s not that men can’t feel. It’s just that we’re not supposed to beyond a very limited range of lust, laughter, stress and fury (which are really two shades, respectively, of only two feelings); and when we have feelings that don’t fit those choices, we just don’t know what the hell to do.

It’s pat wannabe-sensitive-man fodder, but the fact is that some of us really are capable of deep feeling, but we just don’t know how to express it.

I recently had to deal with that in another step in my pre-adoptive process; and you know, when I posted that piece, my first concern was that I’d be branded as a Michael Jackson-style seducer because I had the temerity to expose my feelings. How dare I speak so openly of loving a boy, caring for him, hugging him, kissing away his tears? What kind of perverted man would say something like that?

What kind of perverse society would make me wonder things like that?

Chris is a fabulous exception to this general male rule that Manly Men Don’t Weep. And even then, he’s bashed because he unashamedly mourns the death of his beloved dog Zeke; and it seems asinine to me that a man should be expected to apologize for screaming to the cosmos at the unfairness of heartbreak, to just get over it because Zeke was just a dog.

So, as with choosing how, when and where we die, what are men or boys left with in their limited acceptable range of emotions?

Ideally, boys would have a supportive environment wherein they’re allowed to feel, to nurture, to become aware that anger isn’t the only color on their emotional palettes. But how to do that in a world of seventh-grade locker-rooms, a world where you’re conscious of what it means to be the last to be picked in a baseball lineup, a world where you dread being on the skins team because of your matchstick chest, a world where you’re a pussy for crying, a world where you get your ass kicked for liking something other than football and NASCAR?

I won’t detail the depredations I had to face as a kid in school; there’s no point, but you’d be safe in guessing they were brutal. Not as bad as some, much worse than most; and all because I was a nerd, a geek, different.

I want to homeschool my own boy, once the adoption has run its course and the state can’t dictate any longer how he’s educated or socialized; but not for religious reasons.* It’s to keep him from the toxic shame that the social inbreeding of his peers might imbue in him for daring to feel anything other than happy or pissed off. For being weird enough to actually read books and like it. For enjoying something other than the latest pile of Hollywood schlock. For deciding that the afternoon fare on Nickelodeon, MTV or VH1 is not to his liking, and for choosing IFC instead.

Back to the topic you brought up, though—until men and boys are allowed by the unwritten rules of society to care, love and nurture, I don’t see how we can change things significantly. And as Theriomorph suggested, that’s not just an issue of feminism; it’s an issue of humanity.

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* Except inasmuch as I want to avoid having him exposed to blatherings about the “flood” or “intelligent design” in science classes. And, come to think of it, Just Say No; and heterosexism; and chastity vows in place of good, reliable, accurate sex education. So I guess my reasons are religious, to the extent that they deny the edicts of religion and are therefore defined by it in opposition.

I despair of EVER matriculating my Bachelor of Snark Degree from UCRN.

If I ever earn one, can I frame it? Because it’s hard to be middle class without the POP!! And I need to eatablish my..what did she call it....SOCIAL CAPITAL!!!

After the Revolution, Ms. McCarty, ALL capital will be social. And allcaps.

Since my last comment I have been reading THE WHOLE THREAD; I am waiting for some strawberry jam to cool enough to put in the icebox.

(Yes I say icebox. I also say Tinfoil.)

THis is a good thread and everyone has gone to bed and setlled down I am sure, It is quite late. However, I must interject that I think one of the LENS problems is that, Warren immediately (it seemed to me) imagined the situation being discussed as being one where HE was the dying person. The dying person is the role he saw himself filling in the scenario.

I want to perhaps clarify his disgust at the Feminist Politization of DEATH by asking: How would you view it, Warren, if it were unilaterally assumed that you were in the future going to be required to give up your job, your income, your retirement and perhaps even your home, to take care of a dying elder? 24/7 for years possibly, and then you would be required to re-enter the workforce at the bottom, due to age( I assume, perhaps wrongly, that you are forties/fifties) and “missing time” in the old resume?

I think you might think that would be pretty unfair, or you might say “I couldn’t do that. I must support my family”.

Well, welcome to the world of possessing a vagina! Our society expects the vast majority of females to support themselves financially, AND take care of everyone else in the hands-on sense. THat is why this is a feminist issue. ANd the kind of financial punishment women and other caregivers take for needing time off to care for others is OBSCENE. Caregivers get SHAFTED.

And also I don’t think ANYONE here, not Chris or ANYONE, expects a dying person to ponder these issues. They are DYING! Of course it’s all about them.

What is wanted is , I believe, for people who are NOT currently dying to think about how this, and other “quality of life” issues, rely a great deal on unpaid female labor. It is hoped that the veil of unknowing will be torn away and perhaps a better way can be found.

Personally, I am ALL ABOUT quality of life all the time. Quality lives for everyone, I say!

Kathy McCarty:

As with others here, you raised some good points, and in one respect at least you were spot on.

Warren immediately (it seemed to me) imagined the situation being discussed as being one where HE was the dying person. The dying person is the role he saw himself filling in the scenario.

Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I did; thank you for pointing it out. There are times when I overpersonalize, and it’s valid of you to question my comments on the assumption that I’m attaching far too much personal ideation to them.

As a (unofficial, non-confirmed, no-refuge-vow) Buddhist I am encouraged to reflect or meditate on death periodically, specifically my own. I’ve done that but, as has been noted here, it’s clear I still need to work on what the ramifications are. I’ve seen it as the personal event it is; but I clearly have not thought enough about how it might affect others.

Thank you for reminding me of my ignorance. I need that from time to time.

Apropos of strawberry jam: There is a Buddhist story—Zen—about a man who was being chased by a tiger. Looking back in fear, he ran over a cliff’s edge, and fell; and caught himself on a root. Above him was the tiger; below, a steep drop to rocks and certain death.

Before him he noticed wild strawberries growing, and he plucked one, and he tasted it, and it was luscious and sweet.

Please, Kathy, enjoy your jam.

warren, i do not believe that the problem is one of men not feeling all kinds of emotions.  the men i know do. 

but i also don’t think the difficulty i was thinking about is primarily emotional.  it is primarily practical.  who will:  change diapers; administer meds; run errands; bring food; calm someone undergoing horrible treatment; change the position of a comatose person; make sure the dying person [and family] knows every day they are not alone; hold the sick one while he or she barfs, even if it is a dozen times a day, and then clean up; do the laundry; make a frazzled and bereft caretaker go out for coffee; change horrible bandages; listen while the dying person or a caretaker worries or rails about the unfairness, AND while they talk about what is important; be there, watching the vital signs fade away; keep a survivor from ending it all as the worst thing imaginable has just happened.

kathy mccarthy brought up such an excellent point; it was something i couldn’t quite put my finger on, but the harder part of thinking about death is not thinking about our own. 

if we are fortunate enough to have friends and family, we are going to lose some of them—and the ways we lose them are neither predictable nor generally under our control.  providing care and comfort for others is a far more important human concern than worrying about how we personally will go, in my opinion.

holy crap. what is happening here? such unblogly behavior.

does this mean we can expect to see bloghugbot soon?

dig into that abundance model, pal

ha ha ha

Bloghugbot? I’m still reeling from Chris’s link to Kumbaya.

kumbaya trauma? 

friends, i am moved to tell the story of my nephew.  A was the most fabulous kid—curious, fun, loving, mischevious.  he was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 9, and died at age 12.  yesterday would have been his 18th birthday.

he was buddhist.  at his funeral, the minister talked about how A decided to live his life to the fullest—the life he had.  and that was very true.  he knew, even before his cognitive functions began to decline, that he would not live very long.  and he loved life, loved his family and friends.  in his last good week before the final coma, A talked about what was important to him:  his birthdate, his favorite color blue, and so many times, he called out to someone in his family, “i love you!”

it was also true that the disease derailed normal life for him and his family, for years.  that at one point, A took a kitchen knife and threatened to kill himself, so desperate and conflicting were his feelings.  true, also, that this wonderful boy went through awful treatments of every kind; had multiple strokes, seizures, and comas.  he spent weeks, sometimes months, in the hospital. 

his brothers were only 12 and 14 when A was diagnosed; 15 and 18 when he died; so, you can imagine the impact this had on them.  there is no way to describe what his parents went through, especially his mother, who was his primary caretaker.  there were whole circles of friends surrounding them, and A had excellent medical care. 

but it was women and girls, mostly, who came to visit over the ups and downs of those three years; who brought food, wrote cards, organized support, made 15 minutes to drop by the hospital.  women who stood vigil, helped the parents and brothers.  women who cleaned; who helped with the physical care.  i did plenty of barf-bucket duty, intensive care duty, caretaker relief; sat for hours as my sweet nephew worked out toddler puzzles [with joy] as his brain declined in the last weeks; went and got his brother from school when A died; made sure the hospice nurse got rid of the potentially deadly meds, because i was so afraid his mom wanted to follow him.  it needed to be done, all that and a lot more.

anyway, that was a good death.  really, A had a good death given the circumstance that he could not survive the brain cancer.  he fought hard to live, or live as well as he could, and went gently and peacefully at the end.  [i know that last part, because i was there.]

i think we need to acknowledge that comfort care takes a lot of time and effort.  personally, i think it is worth that effort.  i’d be glad for the effort to be spread broadly; not everyone gets a good death, and maybe there is no way to prevent that completely, but it would help for more people to believe there is dignity in the dirty work.  or even to know that there is dirty work needing to be done; that would be a start.

This might be off-topic, I guess, but I’ve been wondering as I lurk. Why aren’t you at Pandagon anymore?

Who cares? As long as he doesn’t post there.

but it would help for more people to believe there is dignity in the dirty work.  or even to know that there is dirty work needing to be done; that would be a start.

I don’t even think it is necessary for the non-females to think there is dignity in the dirty work; that is kind of enlightened and I don’t expect enlightenment from everyone. I think the second half is more important: NOTICE the dirty work and DO SOME. Realize you aren’t magically exempted from the sickroom because being there makes you uncomfortable. It makes EVERYONE uncomfortable.

I think that socially the non-females get an impression that it is OK if they just avoid the unpleasantness, and certainly no one is going to expect them to clean anybody’s poopy butt. Just realize it is not OK to assume that level of privilege. And maybe see how much others are doing, and try to do a similar amount. If everyone pitched in and helped the primary caregivers, doubling the amount of people helping, I think that would make a huge diffference.

(Was gonna nuke Pandagonian’s comment as being, you know, assholery, but then it struck me: s/he’s exactly right, if perhaps not in the way s/he intended. So let’s move on.)

I’ve been reading Pandagon for a long time. The constant meanness turned me off. When you started there I was really hoping you’d make a difference in that meanness, but then it seemed like it was getting to you. I’m glad you left.

If you and ilyka had a blog together, I’d read it every day. August and Berube too.

kathy:

kumbaya trauma?

Yes. It’s the fifth leading cause of nausea in the US.

Thanks for sharing the story about your nephew.

personally, i’ve never hoisted a barf bucket in honor of kumbaya.

Well, if challening Clark’s bullshit superleftism and white guilt is “mean,” then whatever. Amanda tossing him was the best thing to happen to Pandagon this year.

kathy:

It’s more of a low grade queasiness, actually—a kind of agggh, glurb sort of feeling that I typically associate with overcute Hallmark style cards that feature pastel drawings of soft-eyed puppies and adorable kittens. Bucket typically not required, but it puts me off my feed for a while.

;)

Well, if challening Clark’s bullshit superleftism and white guilt is “mean,” then whatever. Amanda tossing him was the best thing to happen to Pandagon this year.

1.  With an “e” at the end, darling.  Clarke.  I know you struggle with reading, but do make an effort.  It is only six letters.

2.  Bullshit superleftism is the new champagne supernova.

3.  Amanda didn’t toss anyone.  We left.

I liked you better when you posted under your usual alias, moron.  At least that way the other readers knew what was coming.

i dunno warren—how does your queasiness come out on the barf scale, compared to, say, trying to make a serious point or two, and getting a couple of nausea jokes back?

my nephew barfed all the damn time, for real, for three years, because of his treatments and his tumors.  the take away lesson for me is, cleaning up real barf is an act of love and compassion.  not feeling so compassionate about “ha ha kumbaya makes me queasy.” i must be humor impaired.

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