Not even a week after I deposit a steaming load of fulsome praise on the elegant and talented Twisty Faster, Twisty reveals to the world that she has suffered a debilitating and possibly incurable psychosocial injury as a result of excessive news-related fury. You could hear the gasp as the news spread across the blogosphere. Who will take up the banner and continue her vital patriarchy-blaming work? As the doctors debate how best to restore Twisty’s ravaged infrastructure, we her readers must find ways to help her in her 45 minutes of need.
As none of my readers know, I am privileged to serve on the Board of Directors of the Red Crux, the nation’s premier Hegelian cultural-criticism-related charity and autonomous artists’ collective. At an emergency meeting last night I volunteered to chair the relief effort to aid Twisty. Or so I am told. I had stepped out of the room briefly to explain to a few nonautonomous artists that we had declined their application for membership.
I thus am forced to announce Blame Aid 2005, a virtual concert that consists of the song below. All proceeds from this event will go to the Cooperativa de Las Muchachas Para Culpar el Patriarcado (Young Girls’ Patriarchy-Blaming Cooperative) in Jujuy, Argentina.
The Corrido of Twisty Faster’s Brain
All the people who despise the Presidente
Love the Austin gal they know as Twisty Faster
She’s the favorite of the blogging cognoscent-ay
And she bends her knee to neither god nor master.
She’s the reigning queen of patriarchy blaming
And her prose is bright and elegantly snarky
She excels at all kick-assing and take-name-ing
And exhorts us all to blame the patriarchy.
(chorus)
Oh the sun it shines like oil upon the mole
And the dogs they beg and whine, they’re getting barky
And the sexist trolls are thicker than pozole
Everybody dance, and blame the patriarchy!
When the body politic’s especially leprous
That is when our spinster aunt leaps into action
With the portion of her brain that is obstrep’rous
She will blame the patriarchs ‘til they’re in traction.
But one morning when the bullshit overloaded
Oh, it nearly spelled the end of our dear Twisty
That was when that portion of her brain exploded
And they heard the blast way down in Corpus Christi.
(chorus)
Oh the sun it shines like oil upon the mole
And the dogs they beg and whine, they’re getting barky
And the sexist trolls are thicker than pozole
Everybody dance, and blame the patriarchy!
In a tiny room, the benches wrapped in paper
Twisty Faster she awaits her doctor’s sentence
While the other spinster aunts outside they caper
And the nations’ patriarchs escape repentance.
Till the men stop their reflexive woman-shaming
And the patriarchy gets all non-existy
We will need to keep on patriarchy blaming
Everybody raise a glass to our dear Twisty!
(chorus)
Oh the sun it shines like oil upon the mole
And the dogs they beg and whine, they’re getting barky
And the feminists are hotter than pozole
Everybody dance, and blame the patriarchy!
