The Clean Water Act
On repeated occasions, the Obama administration has stated its support for the controversial and scientifically unproven theory that water flows downhill. Biased “hydraulic scientists” with their “studies” and their “peer-review” claim that so-called “contaminated” water will inevitably flow downhill to “contaminate” “clean” water. But this is unproven, and the theory’s adherents want nothing less than utter and complete control over every citizen’s private toilet. A little-known provision of the upcoming Clean Water Act would mandate forced catheterization of all male citizens, monitoring of urinary salt content, and a surcharge for more than a certain percentage of dissolved solids. This is clearly a ploy to hand over control of our daily lives to the pagan Burning Man “piss clear” cult.
Strategy: We will attend every meeting of all local water utility boards across the country, wearing toilet seats around our necks and carrying toilet brushes for maximum press visibility.
Xeriscaping
The socialist fat cats in Washington want to take away our lawns and replace them with cacti. This despite the fact that the Declaration of Independence specifically guarantees the right of every citizen to his own patch of bluegrass and red fescue. We will not bend over and grab our ankles so that “President” Obama can shove his saguaros down our throats. We reject the deputizing of “neighborhood watch” councils to call the water police on any citizen who engages in his constitutional right to have a river running off his property and down the street. We additionally reject the so-called “compromise” measure of merely requiring that lawns be allowed to grow disorderly and unkempt, like those socialists do down the block. You know the ones we’re talking about, with the peace sign painted on their mailbox.
Strategy: We will attend meetings of our zoning boards with our gas-powered lawnmowers running and demand we be allowed to bring them into the meeting room, as is our right. If we can bring enough running lawnmowers into those enclosed spaces and stay there as long as possible, we will win!
Spay and Neuter Laws
You do realize they’re just practicing on the cats and dogs, right? Even now the World Health Organization is designing and mass-producing neuticles for human use.
Strategy: Sit-ins at animal shelters, with our followers wearing pouches of semi-moist cat food and encouraged to answer any question from press or law enforcement with incessant barking.
Math
The Socialist Administration keeps saying that they never imposed the largest tax increase in the history of the solar system, despite it being undeniably true. Their insistence that Obama has actually cut taxes by a modest amount is merely an attempt to confuse the issue, using the unproven and controversial mathematical doctrines of “magnitude” and “negative numbers.” This is the same logic behind their insistence that the Second Amendment isn’t the very first thing listed in the Bill of Rights. We want this to stop, and we want it to stop yesterday.
Strategy: We will teabag grade school math classes across the land and stop the spreading of their lies.
Suggested chant: “Two, four, ten, six, down with their arithmetricks.”
Stop Fascism
It’s a well-established fact that any stop sign with a white border is an illegitimate and unlawful stop sign established by illegal Admiralty Traffic Courts, and that stopping at such signs is therefore optional. Americans have long enjoyed this freedom of choice, which is now under attack by the socialists with their “global warming” and “fuel consumption” rhetoric. Forcing all Americans to come to a complete stop at these bogus stop signs is just pandering to the pedestrian lobby, and exposes Auto-Americans to increased danger of car-jacking and window-washing terrorists.
Strategy: We will drive through white-bordered stop signs whenever we please. We further note that there is nothing in the Constitution as originally framed that requires a driver pull his car over when flagged down by a motorcycle cop.
Kids These Days
They have no respect, with their so-called “music” and their hair and their clothes. Not like in our day, when we showed respect for the old goddamned sonsabitches that preceded us.
Strategy: We will forward unedited instructive emails to them on important political issues, with our comments added at the top in a prominent fashion. (Suggestion: it’s easier to remember to do this if you leave the caps-lock key pressed in permanently.)
Daylight Savings Time
Each spring the Obama administration steals an hour from each American. That’s 36,000 years in total stolen from us each year! They claim we’ll “get it back in the fall,” a lie to mask their plans to redistribute these hours — taken from hard-working Americans — to the poor and undocumented via end-of-life Death Panels. Why should we give up an hour each year so that an illegal alien can live longer than Moses did?
Strategy: Still in development, but it will definitely involve Twitter trending topics in some way.
Voice mail
Press one for English! Tell us your social security number! My name is Steve, how can I help you from my desk here in Bangalore? What happened to calling someone and having an American pick up after five rings? Why are they keeping us on the phone so long? Why do we have to put in all these numbers? What are they trying to distract us from? It all makes me feel really nervous. I dunno.
Strategy: Strategy to be developed when we can set up the Teabag Steering Committee conference call.
=v= Nice Shakespeare reference. I take it fair^H^H^H^Hgreen Desdemona is Lady Liberty?
I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Okay, that’s just too funny! And sadly, too true.—Was it Shakespeare who said: “In every jest a little truth must lie.” Great stuff Chris!