7. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - MORNING
Elder Enos: Still I must say; play with matches, you get burned.
Elder Jed: Might you clarify that?
Elder Enos: One simply does not wash the feet of Mosias Wallace’s youngest wife.
Elder Jed: Surely you agree he overreacted?
Elder Enos: Parley may not have expected Mosias to react like he did, but he had to expect some manner of retribution.
Elder Jed: It was a foot washing; a foot washing signifies nothing untoward. I washed my dear departed mother’s feet, and those of her sister-wives as well.
Elder Enos: It’s laying hands on Mosias Wallace’s newest wife in a familiar way. Is it as bad as impregnating her?—no, but you’re in the same blessed ballpark.
[Jed stops Enos.]
Elder Jed: Whoa Nelly! Stop right there. Violating a man’s lineage by slipping one’s seed into his chattel property, and offering a poor tired lass a footwashing just simply are not the same blessed thing.
Elder Enos: Not the same thing, but in the same ballpark.
Elder Jed: I know nothing of ballparks, mind — I am no Gentile! — but I aver that your method of footwashing may well differ from mine. Anointing a maiden’s feet and anointing a claimed woman’s womb are not only not in the same ballpark, but one could say they are not even the same blessed sport. Foot washing bears no salacious import.
Elder Enos: Have you ever washed feet?
Elder Jed: Brother, do not presume to instruct me in the holy practice of foot washing—I’m the blessed foot master.
Elder Enos: Have you ever given a man a foot washing?
[Jed looks at him a long moment.]
Elder Jed: I see where you’re going with this, but I must say I resent your insinuation that I would ever knowingly violate the laws of the State of Utah—this is the door.
[The two men stand in front of the door numbered “49.” They whisper.]
Elder Jed: What time is it?
Elder Enos: (checking his watch) Seven-twenty-two in the morning.
Elder Jed: We’re a few minutes ahead of schedule. They may still be asleep.
Elder Enos: Good.
8. INT. APARTMENT (ROOM 49) - MORNING
[THREE YOUNG GENTILE BOYS, sit at a table with hamburgers, french fries and sodas laid out. One of them flips the loud bolt on the door, opening it to reveal Jed and Enos in the hallway.]
Elder Jed: Hello, gentlemen.
[The two men stroll inside. The three young caught-off-guard GENTILE BOYS are:
Marvin: The young black man who opened the door, and who will, as the scene progresses, back into the corner.
Roger: A young blond-haired surfer kid with a “Flock of Seagulls” haircut, who has yet to say a word, sits on the couch with a big sloppy hamburger in his hand.
Brett: A white, preppy-looking sort with a blow-dry haircut.]
[Enos and Jed take in the place, with their hands in their pockets. Jed is the one who does the talking.]
Elder Jed: How are you young gentlemen doing today?
[No answer.]
Elder Jed: (to Brett, smiling unctuously) My mother raised me to answer questions.
Brett: We’re doin’ okay.
[As Jed and Brett talk, Enos moves behind the young GENTILE BOYS.]
Elder Jed: Do you know who we are?
Brett shakes his head: “No.”
Elder Jed: We’re associates of your business partner Mosias Wallace. You remember your business partner, I assume.
[No answer.]
Elder Jed: (to Brett) Now I’m going to take a wild guess here: you’re Brett, right?
Brett: I’m Brett.
Elder Jed: I thought you might be. It’s a real pleasure. You remember your business partner Mosias Wallace, do you not?
Brett: I remember him.
Elder Jed: Good for you. Looks like Elder Enos and I caught you at breakfast. Is this a bad time?
Brett: Well, we ARE eating…
Elder Jed: I see! Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What manner of hamburgers might these be?
Brett: Cheeseburgers.
Elder Jed: No, I’m sorry for being vague. I was wondering where you bought them? Coachman’s? Denny’s?
Brett: In-N-Out Burger.
Elder Jed: In-N-Out Burger. That’s that Californian burger chain. I have indeed heard they sell some tasty burgers. I haven’t had the pleasure myself, how are they?
Brett: They’re good. Would you like to try one?
Elder Jed: Oh, no. No, no, no. I wouldn’t dream of imposing in such an ill-mannered fashion. You know what they call a Denver Omelet in Denver?
Brett: No.
Elder Jed: Tell him, Elder Enos.
Elder Enos: A Western Omelet.
Elder Jed: Western Omelet, that’s right. And do you know why they call it that?
Brett: Because it would be confusing otherwise, what with their being in Denver and all?
Elder Jed: Check out the big brain on Brett! You’re an intelligent and worldy gentleman, this much is clear. Do you know what we’re here for?
[Brett nods his head: “Yes.”]
Elder Jed: Then why don’t you tell my colleague Elder Enos where he might be able to find what it is we’re here for.
Marvin: It’s under the be—
Elder Jed:—I apologize for interrupting, but I don’t remember asking you a blessed thing. (to Brett) You were saying?
Brett: It’s under the bed.
[Enos moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a black snap briefcase. Enos flips the two locks, opening the case. Inside are what look very much like ancient, glowing golden plates with an arcane language inscribed thereon. Enos just stares at it, transfixed.]
Elder Jed: Are we happy, Elder Enos?
[No answer from the transfixed Enos.]
Elder Jed: ENOS!
[Enos looks up at Jed.]
Elder Enos: We’re happy.
Brett: (to Jed) Look, what’s your name? I got his name’s Enos, but what’s yours?
Elder Jed: I’m sorry, did I fail to introduce myself? Where are my manners this morning? Land sakes. I’m Elder Jedediah Pitt.
Brett: I just want you to know how sorry we are about how things got between us and Mr. Wallace. When we entered into this thing, we only had the best intentions—
[As Brett talks, Jed reaches into his briefcase, takes out a sheaf of religious pamphlets and hands them to Roger, who runs screaming from the room. Brett flinches, hard.]
Elder Jed: (to Brett) Oh, I’m sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about “best intentions.”
[Brett can’t say a word.]
Elder Jed: What’s the matter, Brett? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me ask you something. Would you describe for me what Mosias Wallace looks like?
Brett still can’t speak.
[Jed stands, accidentally tipping the card table over.]
Elder Jed: Where are you from, sir?
Brett: (petrified) What?
Elder Jed: Oh, I’m sorry again. I really must not be speaking clearly.
Brett: (near heart attack) What?
Elder Jed: I’m sorry, Brett, do you have a hearing problem? I happen to have a friend who works in the ZCMI’s hearing aid department. I’d be glad to give you his phone number if you like.
Brett: No, I can hear just fine.
Elder Jed: Then you understand what I’m saying?
Brett: Yes.
Elder Jed: Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m so pleased to know it. Hearing problems can be such a burden. Back to business: can you please describe what Mosias Wallace looks like?
Brett: What?
[Jed takes his Book of Mormon and presses it hard into Brett’s hand.]
Elder Jed: His physical mien. Mosias Wallace. His appearance.
Brett: Well he’s ...he’s…black—
Elder Jed:—go on!
Brett: ...and he’s…he’s…tall—
Elder Jed: Oh, okay, good. It just occurred to me that we might have mixed up the address here. Only one man in Salt Lake City fits that description, though!
Brett: (without thinking) What?
Elder Jed: Have you ever read the Book of Mormon, Brett?
Brett: (in spasm) Yes.
Elder Jed: There’s a passage I’ve memorized, which seems appropriate for this situation: it’s Moroni 10 23:29. “And Christ truly said unto our fathers: If ye have faith ye can do all things which are expedient unto me. And now I speak unto all the ends of the earth—that if the day cometh that the power and gifts of God shall be done away among you, it shall be because of unbelief. And woe be unto the children of men if this be the case; for there shall be none that doeth good among you, no not one. For if there be one among you that doeth good, he shall work by the power and gifts of God. And woe unto them who shall do these things away and die, for they die in their sins, and they cannot be saved in the kingdom of God; and I speak it according to the words of Christ; and I lie not. And I exhort you to remember these things; for the time speedily cometh that ye shall know that I lie not, for ye shall see me at the bar of God; and the Lord God will say unto you: Did I not declare my words unto you, which were written by this man, like as one crying from the dead, yea, even as one speaking out of the dust?”
[Jed and Enos each hand a complimentary copy of the Book of Mormon to the sitting Brett. Brett dies. His carcass just sits there for a moment, then topples over. All is quiet. The only sound is Marvin muttering in the corner.]
Marvin: well I’ll be go to hell…that was messed up.
[Then suddenly the bathroom door bursts open, and a Fourth Man (as young as the rest) comes charging out, long-haired, dressed in jeans and a rainbow tie-died “Marriage Rights” T-shirt, a lavender Magnum in one hand and a cup of Starbucks coffee in the other.]
Fourth Man: Die…die…die…die…die…die!
[The Fourth Man fires six booming shots from his hand cannon in the direction of Enos and Jed. He screams a maniacal cry of revenge until he’s dry firing. Enos and Jed stare at him after he’s done firing, completely unharmed.]
Fourth Man: I don’t understand—
[The Fourth Man is blown off his feet and out of frame by a lightning bolt from the heavens.]
FADE TO BLACK
